Over the past six years I served on the council (equivalent to board of directors) of my church, covering topics from searching for a new pastor to relationships with other churches. Four of those six years were spent as president. Yet, I do not feel at home here. I distance myself from many people in the congregation for fear of being judged. Perhaps I distance myself because I’m tired of explaining. Perhaps I am tired of watching people not make an effort. Recently, I have considered leaving the church. I read articles from the greater ELCA about LGBT issues. About how we need to work to include this population. How we need to work to include all populations that are not older, white, cis-gender, middle class, heterosexual people. Yet I look around at all the older, white, cis-gender, middle class, heterosexual people just going about their business as usual. Sitting in the same section of the same pew. Commenting on the lack of new people just like last week. Some of them thinking that our church is inclusive because I am there.
I AM NOT YOUR TOKEN GAY PERSON! I do not feel included.
I do feel that when the pastor speaks or behaves in an inclusive way, that there will be backlash. I feel like I need to watch the faces of people in the congregation as LGBT topics are brought up during sermons. Both to see where possible allies might exist and to know where to tread lightly. I feel that some people in the congregation are truly my allies, but they are the minority. I feel that while the greater ELCA is actively working to become more inclusive, this congregation is sitting comfortably in the mindset prior to the 2009 church-wide inclusivity decision.
I have been told by people in the congregation that our church is not ready to make a commitment. And that our church isn’t ready for an LGBT pastor. And that actively including the LGBT population in our church will exclude other groups of people. Well the inclusivity decision was made almost a decade ago. That is eight years that I have sat in the pew, questioning whether or not I am welcome. Waiting every Sunday for the wrong person to find out. Holding my breath during every council election wondering if this year is the year they don’t want me as president because I am gay.
I call bullshit on not being ready.
Show me that I matter. Show me that you can make yourself uncomfortable to a fraction of the degree to which I feel uncomfortable, and actively work to include the LGBT population. I need you to sit in your uncomfortableness while we have an open discussion. A discussion that must sometimes be initiated by you. Ask me what my pain is so you can start to understand it. So you can start to understand how you have contributed to it.
I’ll start. Part of my pain is caused by me. I close myself off to close relationships with others in the pew because I fear not all of me will be accepted.
You turn.
dreadedlesbian 