LGBT in the Pew

Over the past six years I served on the council (equivalent to board of directors) of my church, covering topics from searching for a new pastor to relationships with other churches. Four of those six years were spent as president. Yet, I do not feel at home here. I distance myself from many people in the congregation for fear of being judged. Perhaps I distance myself because I’m tired of explaining. Perhaps I am tired of watching people not make an effort. Recently, I have considered leaving the church. I read articles from the greater ELCA about LGBT issues. About how we need to work to include this population. How we need to work to include all populations that are not older, white, cis-gender, middle class, heterosexual people. Yet I look around at all the older, white, cis-gender, middle class, heterosexual people just going about their business as usual. Sitting in the same section of the same pew. Commenting on the lack of new people just like last week. Some of them thinking that our church is inclusive because I am there.

I AM NOT YOUR TOKEN GAY PERSON! I do not feel included.

I do feel that when the pastor speaks or behaves in an inclusive way, that there will be backlash. I feel like I need to watch the faces of people in the congregation as LGBT topics are brought up during sermons. Both to see where possible allies might exist and to know where to tread lightly. I feel that some people in the congregation are truly my allies, but they are the minority. I feel that while the greater ELCA is actively working to become more inclusive, this congregation is sitting comfortably in the mindset prior to the 2009 church-wide inclusivity decision.

I have been told by people in the congregation that our church is not ready to make a commitment. And that our church isn’t ready for an LGBT pastor. And that actively including the LGBT population in our church will exclude other groups of people. Well the inclusivity decision was made almost a decade ago. That is eight years that I have sat in the pew, questioning whether or not I am welcome. Waiting every Sunday for the wrong person to find out. Holding my breath during every council election wondering if this year is the year they don’t want me as president because I am gay.

I call bullshit on not being ready.

Show me that I matter. Show me that you can make yourself uncomfortable to a fraction of the degree to which I feel uncomfortable, and actively work to include the LGBT population. I need you to sit in your uncomfortableness while we have an open discussion. A discussion that must sometimes be initiated by you. Ask me what my pain is so you can start to understand it. So you can start to understand how you have contributed to it.

I’ll start. Part of my pain is caused by me. I close myself off to close relationships with others in the pew because I fear not all of me will be accepted.

You turn.

My Tears

I sat with you in church today. One week after many of my siblings were gunned down.  I heard from a couple of you this past week, receiving messages of love and shared sadness.  I noticed the background for the PowerPoint, a rainbow reflection with a heart made of tears.  It probably looked like water to most of you, but it was formed by my tears, my wife’s tears, the tears of the victims, the tears of those that ended their lives because the pain was too much, and the tears of their family members.

Tears streamed down my face as I sat motionless.  Listening to the sermon which called each of us by name.  Every lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, and asexual person.  I looked around the room and tried to know what you were thinking, what you were feeling when you heard your pastor call a nightclub a sanctuary.  Did you understand that the place you were worshiping in does not feel like a sanctuary to me?  I am not safe from judgement there.

Were you uncomfortable listening to your pastor talk about the LGBTQIA+ population?  I am uncomfortable and hiding pieces of myself every time I worship with you; every time I stand in front of you as your president.

After service, this question was asked of your pastor, “Did people react differently to your sermon today?  Did more people squirm?”  The answer was yes.

When you checked out because you didn’t want to hear what was being said, or squirmed in your seat because you were uncomfortable, it was directed at me.

If you were nodding, this isn’t for you because you get it.  But, if you were nodding, you need to notice those that weren’t.

I am your sister in Christ, and I am hurting for my siblings who were murdered.  I am hurting for myself because I am afraid of the people I worship with, and the people on the street.  And I am hurting for you because you cannot understand why I hurt.

This topic will not go away when the world stops talking about Orlando because I am not going away.  I am loved just as much as you are loved.  I deserve to be accepted just as you deserve be accepted.  All my LGBTQIA+ siblings deserve to be accepted by you in your place of worship.  You must open your hearts and minds and learn how to accept us.  We will help you learn, just welcome us.

Killing Silence

Sunday morning, I learned that a population I am a part of was targeted by a gunman resulting in many deaths and injuries.  That night there was a vigil that I did not go to.  Monday morning, my wife was referred to as “your friend”.  In the next few days I saw news stories, comments, and facebook posts about how people should react, and how people should show support, and what people should not do, and what needs to be controlled better, and what rights should not be taken away because of one person, etc…

While I did not attend the vigil because of prior commitments, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel fear at the thought of gathering with other LGBT people and allies.

I did not correct the person who referred to my wife as a friend.  Instead, I stayed silent.

I have been on the verge of breaking down since Sunday morning.  Trying to process what is happening in Orlando, and my mind.

Sunday morning, I was told that I am someone.  That I am good enough as I am.  I read articles written by ELCA church members challenging the church to stand up against hate and to not be silent.

Yet I am silent.

I think about the non-violent protesters from the 60’s, the masses beaten and murdered before that.

I think about the LGBT population standing up against AIDS, and being beaten down.

I think about the survivors from those times and how my silence is still beating them down.

I am still processing, but am making this my first step in standing up and breaking the silence.

Discrimination for Everyone

The big news in Kansas this week, at least in my circle, has been House Bill 2453.  This bill is better known as the religious freedom bill.  It looks like this bill may be dead, but this is Kansas.  If this one dies, another one will come along shortly.

As a lesbian who is also a Christian, I think I could really put this bill to use. And as we all know, not all Christian religions were created equal, so being a fellow Christian does not guarantee that you are safe from my discrimination.

I need to be prepared, so if this bill or a similar one passes, please expect to receive the following questionnaire before we interact.  This includes past friends and business acquaintances, I don’t want to accidentally interact with someone I should have discriminated against.

1.  Are you religious?

Yes            No

If you answered yes, please proceed to question 2.  If you answered no, please note that this is not a deal breaker but may be taken into consideration at any time. (My religion does not discriminate against those who aren’t religious, but I don’t want to lose any future opportunities.)  Skip to question 5.

2.  Do you consider yourself Christian?

Yes            No

If you answered yes, please proceed to question 2.  If you answered no, please skip to question 5.

3.  Does your religion believe that the wine and bread are actually the blood and body of Christ or just representations?

If you answered that the wine and bread are just representations, proceed to question 4.  If you answered that the wine and bread are actually the blood and body of Christ, return the questionnaire and walk away.  My religion does not believe the same as you and having any business with you is a threat to my religion.

4.  Does your religion believe that women are less equal than men in any way?  For example, are women forbidden from being members of clergy?

Yes            No

If you answered no, please proceed to question 5.  If you answered yes, return the questionnaire and walk away.  My religion does not believe the same as you and having any business with you is a threat to my religion.

5.  Do you believe that LGBT people are just like everyone else and should be treated as such?

Yes            No

If you answered no, return the questionnaire and walk away.  My religion does not believe the same as you and having any business with you is a threat to my religion.

Congratulations!  We can now interact at a superficial level.  Please be advised that I may require you to complete other questionnaires in the future if I feel the nature of our interactions justify it.

Think this is idiotic?  So do I.

A Gay Schism in the Alliance

Day 1:  I was asked to write a profile for ONE.

ONE is a publication by our local Ministerial Alliance.  The Ministerial Alliance is a nonprofit made up of many local churches from many denominations.  It is distributed in the local churches as well as the local newspaper.

Day 2 – 7:  I procrastinate and write nothing for the profile.

Day 8: I begin writing the profile.  I answer all the questions given to me except for my favorite Bible passage.  I hate picking favorites (as my son well knows).

Day 9:  I suck it up and pick a favorite Bible passage.  Upon finishing the profile, I email my responses to my pastor.

It will be important later for you to know that my pastor is the editor of ONE.

Day 10:  I hear from my pastor that the board of the Ministerial Alliance is worried that my family will be harmed as a result of them printing my profile and that my profile could cause a division within the alliance.  Thus, they have decided to not run my profile.  My pastor is writing an article for the same edition of ONE and wants to include my profile in her article.

Day 11: I learn first that my pastor has resigned her position as editor of ONE.  She submits her article, which includes my profile, to the board for publication.

Day 11 cont.: The Profile of Faith coordinator resigns.  My pastor contacts our Bishop to give a heads up of the current happenings involving the church and my profile.

Day 12: The Bishop returns words of encouragement.  We learn that the Ministerial Alliance has decided not to run my pastor’s article.  I decide that my profile will be read, even if the only place it is published is my blog.

Below is the article written by my pastor and rejected for publication by ONE.  Within her article is my profile.  I was emailed questions and asked to answer them.  That format is how they appear.

“My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness,” proclaims the songwriter.  As we begin 2014, those words of where our hope is truly found are important words for me to remember and always live into.  I know that when I place my hope in other places, it can be a slippery slope.  I was reminded of that truth this past week.

This is how I was reminded that I must always and only place my hope in Jesus Christ. Trinity Lutheran Church was asked to submit a Profile of Faith for the January issue of ONE. The theme of this issue is hope and newness.  As Pastor, after prayer and consideration, I choose my Council President whom I have experienced as an individual who has an incredible story of faith and hope.

After emailing the submission, I was contacted because I am also the Editor of ONE.  It was recommended that running the profile might cause the family harm or hurt.  There was also a concern that the profile might cause a division in the Ellis County Ministerial Alliance.  Because of those reasons, as Editor of the ONE, I have chosen not to run it as the Profile of Faith. I do not wish either of these things to happen in our community; harm to a family or Christian disunity.  I believe that our God is a God of hope that is big enough to bridge our division and bring us together at the cross and the empty tomb.

I have however chosen to run it as my article. Please note that each column in the ONE represents the view of the author and it is not necessarily a view of the ONE publication or its member churches. As you read Natalie’s profile, I invite you to consider what it means to love our neighbor as ourselves and to believe in the hope that is found in Christ our Lord.  Please know I do not mean this to cause hurt or division.  I share Natalie’s Profile of Faith with her permission and with you only to point out how the power of the love of God is amazing and healing.

My hope and prayer for 2014 is that all of us can find that depth of God’s love that allows us to experience his unconditional love and grace.  May we, having experienced that depth of love, then be able to share that kind of love with all our neighbors in 2014 and beyond.

Name: Natalie

Hometown/how long there:  Hays, since 2002

Age: 33

Church/how long a member:  Trinity Lutheran Church, member since 2004

Occupation/how long:  Office Manager/Billing Specialist for 1 year.  Also, customer service agent for 5 months

Immediate family: wife: Carrie, daughter: Emma, son: Connor

Church activities/groups:  TLC Council, Mutual Ministry, Choir

Favorite Bible passage(s):  Matthew 12:1-8

Briefly share a story about how your faith has had an effect on your life:

As a lesbian, there was a time in my life when I felt condemned by my faith.  However, my journey of telling friends and family about my sexual orientation led me to a deeper faith in Jesus.  I was fortunate enough to have Christians in my life who were able to extend to me the acceptance and unconditional love of Jesus.

Share your feelings and/or thoughts on how faith has an effect on the Ellis County community: 

I think that Ellis County, like many other rural counties, has a strong faith presence.  However, I think among those who are not religious or don’t believe in God, there is a perception that Christians are hypocritical.  More and more Christians, especially the younger generations, are acknowledging this perspective and working to prove that their faith is different.

Our theme for our January ONE publication is “New Things.”  What are the new things you have found in your relationship with Christ? 

I have found acceptance and unconditional love.  With this, I can take a step back and see how many Christians have not been able to share this acceptance and unconditional love with others.  Fortunately, I think that is changing.  Christians are beginning to recognize the hypocrisies they have committed and are changing the way they see “others” to be a way of acceptance and unconditional love.

I knew the profile would be considered controversial when I wrote it (some conservative churches are part of the alliance), but never did I think it would result in two articles being rejected and two resignations within the Ministerial Alliance.  And why do they need to decide that it wouldn’t be safe for my family?  Do they not think I know how people feel about me being gay?  I’m pretty sure that as the one who’s gay, I have a better feel for how people will react to me and my family.

What do you think?  Was my profile worth all the hassle?

Revenge or Acceptance?

As I entered the lecture hall, another attendee commented on the slouchy beanie perched atop my head.  The comment was less than positive, so I informed them that the beanie was a lot better than what was underneath it.  (I had spent a lot of time on my several attempts to make my hair look decent that morning.)

The person giving the lecture said that instead of seeking revenge, we should accept the other person where they are.  This is something I attempt to do often in my life, and while it is difficult, I feel that I grow as a person when I am able to accomplish this.

The irony that day?  The person who commented on my beanie prior to the lecture, sought me out afterwards to tell me that whatever was under my slouchy beanie was probably better than the beanie itself.  I, of course, had a witty comeback that was not necessarily intended to quiet the attacker, but to cover my hurt feelings.  This commentator of my attire sees their self as a friend.  I am beginning to think otherwise.

I usually don’t experience the lesson from the sermon at church so quickly.

Love my neighbor?!

It’s a phrase heard everywhere, not just in religious circles; “Love your neighbor as yourself”.  This phrase is suppose to remind people to treat those they meet with kindness and compassion.  However, what people using this phrase don’t realize is that we are treating our neighbors as ourselves.  We are impatient with others and build fences around our yards, just like we are impatient with ourselves and build up defenses to keep others at a distance so that they, and especially we, don’t have to face our true selves.

We go through our day talking about other people, criticizing the way they look and how they act because this is really how we feel about ourselves.  It is so easy to judge the way we look, how big we are, how short we are, how our clothes aren’t as good as others’.  And why?  Because we feel unworthy or incompetent?  Or because there is absolutely no way anyone would love you if they knew you were born into the wrong gender?

I invite you to take a timeout from your rushed life and just sit with yourself.  No T.V., no music, no internet, no books (if you even remember what those are); just you.  Break down your defenses and think positively about the things you don’t necessarily love about yourself.  Learn to look on yourself with kindness and compassion.  Then carry that into the way you treat others.

Using religion to judge

We will start with some background information.  I am Lutheran, ELCA to be exact. Most of my family is Lutheran.  If you are not sure what ELCA means, it is the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America.  We are sometimes called the liberal Lutherans, although every member of my extended family is Republican.  We have allowed women to be pastors for quite some time, and a few years ago, the church did a study and decided to allow openly gay and lesbian individuals to be pastors also.

After the “sexuality study”, as it was called, was finished and the decision to allow openly gay and lesbian pastors was passed, many congregations left the ELCA.  Although many of them probably have clothing cut from different material (a complete assumption on my part since I am in no way familiar with all the people who left the ELCA), they felt that accepting gays and lesbians was going too far.  My mother’s cousin actually belonged to one congregation who left.  Another congregation was strongly urged by one member to leave.  The person was a close family friend and someone I looked up my whole life.  Upon hearing about her judgment in the name of religion and her call to action, I felt compelled to write her a letter.

Two years later, I still had not written that letter.  The rejection I felt from this friend was intense.  I didn’t understand how someone who believes that God sent his son to sit and eat with the prostitutes, to show compassion and mercy to everyone he met, could use that same God to exile people like me. Last Sunday, the word finally came to me.  For the hour I sat in the pew, I thought of little else than my life-long friend.  I even shed a few tears.  After the service I bolted (skipping the food, which is very important to Lutherans in these parts), and started writing the following letter; it was mailed the same day.  (Please note my friend’s name has been removed and the name of the town has been changed.)

Dear friend,

I sat in church this morning and shed tears thinking about and missing you.  Do you remember giving me a hug on the day of your father’s funeral?  I had been married only a few months and you asked me how things were.  I said “okay”.  You jumped back from me, threw your arms in the air and said, “only okay, you should be saying great”.  I have thought about that moment a lot over the past eight years.  How could you, while saying goodbye to your father, tell me, with such joy on your face, that marriage should be great?

I have always looked up to you.  When going to a gathering, I would always want to know if you were going to be there.  I would search for you when attending church in Tinytown; just for a chance to get one of your amazing hugs.  Long before my grandma married your dad, you were a part of my family.  That is saying a lot from a person who never really felt like they belonged anywhere.  But now I feel that you have exited my life and I miss you.

I have been thinking about writing this letter for well over a year, and sitting in church this morning I knew I had to go directly home to start writing it.  I have found that love you alluded to on the day of your father’s funeral.  Each day I wake up more in love than the day before.  I know that I am respected and cherished and not taken for granted.  I did not know that being in love and marriage could fill my heart so full that it feels like it will burst.  And knowing the whole time that if it does burst, it’s okay because she will pick up the pieces.  Friend, at the same time I was finding this wonderful love, you were leaving my life.  I am hurt that you would try to turn an entire church against me.  A church that has housed the faith of my family for decades.

For you see, Friend, I am gay.  I always have been.  It was not a choice by me, but by God.  I did not want to be this way and spent many years trying not to be.  I tried to have a “traditional” marriage.  It wasn’t right.  I did not want to put myself, and especially my family, through the ostracism and judgment that comes from people who know nothing about being gay.  However, through my journey of accepting myself and being accepted by my family, I have developed a closer relationship to God.  I am able to see the side of Him that sent His son to be with the beggars.

I am not writing this letter as an end to our friendship.  I hope it will be a beginning to a renewed friendship.  One in which the line of communication is open for us to learn from each other.  You will always be a part of my family.

Love always,

Natalie