I am visible

I have been absent from this post (and most aspects of my life) for quite a while now. The reason? Self-discovery.

Not the type of self-discovery that you brag about and post endless pictures of on social media causing “friends” to turn green. Nope, this is the type of self-discovery that has destroyed my self-confidence. During this process, I have retreated away from friends and family. I have put aside hobbies and dreams.

It has caused me to start my life over.

And now, in order to save the lives of others experiencing this particular self-discovery process, I am making myself visible.

I am transgender. Female to Male (FTM).

Just like every process, all transgender people have their own unique experience. Some embrace the process and gain confidence with each month as they see themselves becoming the person they always knew they were.

Others die during this process.

I am somewhere in the middle. I have been on testosterone for nine months. My body is starting look like it should. Mentally, I struggle every day. Knowing that I should live my life for me, and then actually living it in the face of those that judge me are actions that are worlds apart.

If you are not trans, do not offer me advice on how to remedy this.

What you can do is look at me. See me. See my struggle. See how you are contributing to my struggles and the struggles of all trans people. And do something about it.

If you are trans and are in a place where you can be visible, both mentally, and without fear for your life…

BE VISIBLE.

LGBT in the Pew

Over the past six years I served on the council (equivalent to board of directors) of my church, covering topics from searching for a new pastor to relationships with other churches. Four of those six years were spent as president. Yet, I do not feel at home here. I distance myself from many people in the congregation for fear of being judged. Perhaps I distance myself because I’m tired of explaining. Perhaps I am tired of watching people not make an effort. Recently, I have considered leaving the church. I read articles from the greater ELCA about LGBT issues. About how we need to work to include this population. How we need to work to include all populations that are not older, white, cis-gender, middle class, heterosexual people. Yet I look around at all the older, white, cis-gender, middle class, heterosexual people just going about their business as usual. Sitting in the same section of the same pew. Commenting on the lack of new people just like last week. Some of them thinking that our church is inclusive because I am there.

I AM NOT YOUR TOKEN GAY PERSON! I do not feel included.

I do feel that when the pastor speaks or behaves in an inclusive way, that there will be backlash. I feel like I need to watch the faces of people in the congregation as LGBT topics are brought up during sermons. Both to see where possible allies might exist and to know where to tread lightly. I feel that some people in the congregation are truly my allies, but they are the minority. I feel that while the greater ELCA is actively working to become more inclusive, this congregation is sitting comfortably in the mindset prior to the 2009 church-wide inclusivity decision.

I have been told by people in the congregation that our church is not ready to make a commitment. And that our church isn’t ready for an LGBT pastor. And that actively including the LGBT population in our church will exclude other groups of people. Well the inclusivity decision was made almost a decade ago. That is eight years that I have sat in the pew, questioning whether or not I am welcome. Waiting every Sunday for the wrong person to find out. Holding my breath during every council election wondering if this year is the year they don’t want me as president because I am gay.

I call bullshit on not being ready.

Show me that I matter. Show me that you can make yourself uncomfortable to a fraction of the degree to which I feel uncomfortable, and actively work to include the LGBT population. I need you to sit in your uncomfortableness while we have an open discussion. A discussion that must sometimes be initiated by you. Ask me what my pain is so you can start to understand it. So you can start to understand how you have contributed to it.

I’ll start. Part of my pain is caused by me. I close myself off to close relationships with others in the pew because I fear not all of me will be accepted.

You turn.

Discrimination for Everyone

The big news in Kansas this week, at least in my circle, has been House Bill 2453.  This bill is better known as the religious freedom bill.  It looks like this bill may be dead, but this is Kansas.  If this one dies, another one will come along shortly.

As a lesbian who is also a Christian, I think I could really put this bill to use. And as we all know, not all Christian religions were created equal, so being a fellow Christian does not guarantee that you are safe from my discrimination.

I need to be prepared, so if this bill or a similar one passes, please expect to receive the following questionnaire before we interact.  This includes past friends and business acquaintances, I don’t want to accidentally interact with someone I should have discriminated against.

1.  Are you religious?

Yes            No

If you answered yes, please proceed to question 2.  If you answered no, please note that this is not a deal breaker but may be taken into consideration at any time. (My religion does not discriminate against those who aren’t religious, but I don’t want to lose any future opportunities.)  Skip to question 5.

2.  Do you consider yourself Christian?

Yes            No

If you answered yes, please proceed to question 2.  If you answered no, please skip to question 5.

3.  Does your religion believe that the wine and bread are actually the blood and body of Christ or just representations?

If you answered that the wine and bread are just representations, proceed to question 4.  If you answered that the wine and bread are actually the blood and body of Christ, return the questionnaire and walk away.  My religion does not believe the same as you and having any business with you is a threat to my religion.

4.  Does your religion believe that women are less equal than men in any way?  For example, are women forbidden from being members of clergy?

Yes            No

If you answered no, please proceed to question 5.  If you answered yes, return the questionnaire and walk away.  My religion does not believe the same as you and having any business with you is a threat to my religion.

5.  Do you believe that LGBT people are just like everyone else and should be treated as such?

Yes            No

If you answered no, return the questionnaire and walk away.  My religion does not believe the same as you and having any business with you is a threat to my religion.

Congratulations!  We can now interact at a superficial level.  Please be advised that I may require you to complete other questionnaires in the future if I feel the nature of our interactions justify it.

Think this is idiotic?  So do I.

A Gay Schism in the Alliance

Day 1:  I was asked to write a profile for ONE.

ONE is a publication by our local Ministerial Alliance.  The Ministerial Alliance is a nonprofit made up of many local churches from many denominations.  It is distributed in the local churches as well as the local newspaper.

Day 2 – 7:  I procrastinate and write nothing for the profile.

Day 8: I begin writing the profile.  I answer all the questions given to me except for my favorite Bible passage.  I hate picking favorites (as my son well knows).

Day 9:  I suck it up and pick a favorite Bible passage.  Upon finishing the profile, I email my responses to my pastor.

It will be important later for you to know that my pastor is the editor of ONE.

Day 10:  I hear from my pastor that the board of the Ministerial Alliance is worried that my family will be harmed as a result of them printing my profile and that my profile could cause a division within the alliance.  Thus, they have decided to not run my profile.  My pastor is writing an article for the same edition of ONE and wants to include my profile in her article.

Day 11: I learn first that my pastor has resigned her position as editor of ONE.  She submits her article, which includes my profile, to the board for publication.

Day 11 cont.: The Profile of Faith coordinator resigns.  My pastor contacts our Bishop to give a heads up of the current happenings involving the church and my profile.

Day 12: The Bishop returns words of encouragement.  We learn that the Ministerial Alliance has decided not to run my pastor’s article.  I decide that my profile will be read, even if the only place it is published is my blog.

Below is the article written by my pastor and rejected for publication by ONE.  Within her article is my profile.  I was emailed questions and asked to answer them.  That format is how they appear.

“My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness,” proclaims the songwriter.  As we begin 2014, those words of where our hope is truly found are important words for me to remember and always live into.  I know that when I place my hope in other places, it can be a slippery slope.  I was reminded of that truth this past week.

This is how I was reminded that I must always and only place my hope in Jesus Christ. Trinity Lutheran Church was asked to submit a Profile of Faith for the January issue of ONE. The theme of this issue is hope and newness.  As Pastor, after prayer and consideration, I choose my Council President whom I have experienced as an individual who has an incredible story of faith and hope.

After emailing the submission, I was contacted because I am also the Editor of ONE.  It was recommended that running the profile might cause the family harm or hurt.  There was also a concern that the profile might cause a division in the Ellis County Ministerial Alliance.  Because of those reasons, as Editor of the ONE, I have chosen not to run it as the Profile of Faith. I do not wish either of these things to happen in our community; harm to a family or Christian disunity.  I believe that our God is a God of hope that is big enough to bridge our division and bring us together at the cross and the empty tomb.

I have however chosen to run it as my article. Please note that each column in the ONE represents the view of the author and it is not necessarily a view of the ONE publication or its member churches. As you read Natalie’s profile, I invite you to consider what it means to love our neighbor as ourselves and to believe in the hope that is found in Christ our Lord.  Please know I do not mean this to cause hurt or division.  I share Natalie’s Profile of Faith with her permission and with you only to point out how the power of the love of God is amazing and healing.

My hope and prayer for 2014 is that all of us can find that depth of God’s love that allows us to experience his unconditional love and grace.  May we, having experienced that depth of love, then be able to share that kind of love with all our neighbors in 2014 and beyond.

Name: Natalie

Hometown/how long there:  Hays, since 2002

Age: 33

Church/how long a member:  Trinity Lutheran Church, member since 2004

Occupation/how long:  Office Manager/Billing Specialist for 1 year.  Also, customer service agent for 5 months

Immediate family: wife: Carrie, daughter: Emma, son: Connor

Church activities/groups:  TLC Council, Mutual Ministry, Choir

Favorite Bible passage(s):  Matthew 12:1-8

Briefly share a story about how your faith has had an effect on your life:

As a lesbian, there was a time in my life when I felt condemned by my faith.  However, my journey of telling friends and family about my sexual orientation led me to a deeper faith in Jesus.  I was fortunate enough to have Christians in my life who were able to extend to me the acceptance and unconditional love of Jesus.

Share your feelings and/or thoughts on how faith has an effect on the Ellis County community: 

I think that Ellis County, like many other rural counties, has a strong faith presence.  However, I think among those who are not religious or don’t believe in God, there is a perception that Christians are hypocritical.  More and more Christians, especially the younger generations, are acknowledging this perspective and working to prove that their faith is different.

Our theme for our January ONE publication is “New Things.”  What are the new things you have found in your relationship with Christ? 

I have found acceptance and unconditional love.  With this, I can take a step back and see how many Christians have not been able to share this acceptance and unconditional love with others.  Fortunately, I think that is changing.  Christians are beginning to recognize the hypocrisies they have committed and are changing the way they see “others” to be a way of acceptance and unconditional love.

I knew the profile would be considered controversial when I wrote it (some conservative churches are part of the alliance), but never did I think it would result in two articles being rejected and two resignations within the Ministerial Alliance.  And why do they need to decide that it wouldn’t be safe for my family?  Do they not think I know how people feel about me being gay?  I’m pretty sure that as the one who’s gay, I have a better feel for how people will react to me and my family.

What do you think?  Was my profile worth all the hassle?

Why dreadlocks?

It has been just over three weeks since I started my dread journey for the second time.  My first journey lasted almost two years, but wasn’t meant to be forever.  I was naive about some things and took bad advice as good.  I just wanted dreads and didn’t know to be patient about the process.  I kept reading about how dreadlocks are a lifestyle, but I didn’t get it.

For my second journey, I conducted more research and really thought about why I wanted to have dreads.  This time, dreads aren’t the goal, they are just the (much wanted) result of reaching the goal.

I get tired of everyone being so caught up on looks.  How people dress, what their hair looks like, how much they weigh, where their clothes come from…

Dreads are my way of saying, I don’t care what you think of me.  Well, my way of saying I’m working on not caring what you think of me.  I’m just as guilty as the next person of wanting people to like me and to not judge me.  The dreadlocks are essentially forcing me to take a step back and be okay with myself no matter how I look.

They are also an opportunity for others to stop and look at themselves.  Why are you judging me and my hair?  Why does the way I look make you uncomfortable?

Football anyone?

It’s the week before I turn 33, and what am I doing?  Well, putting off the final Sammy the Cat blog because I don’t want to plug my phone into my computer.  But even more than that…I’m planning for football.  What is that?  Football has already started?  Not for me.  You see, I have been asked to play for the Kansas City Titans.

Let me take you back…

A couple months ago, I was watching one of the first episodes of the current season of the X Factor.  Have I mentioned that I am a sucker for reality (or semi-reality) TV?  Plus I have to learn the shows since eventually I will be on one.  But anyway, this one female contestant played professional football.  Professional Women’s Football?  Who knew?  I had to know more so I began searching the world wide web.

That’s when I learned there is a team in Kansas City and they were right in the middle of open tryouts.  Of course, I immediately wanted to be a part of this. (Leave your cliche lesbian jokes at home.  I’m serious.)  I emailed the contact person and was invited out.

So a couple weeks ago I attended open tryouts.  It felt good to be at practice and part of a team again.  I didn’t know how much I missed that.  Most of the women there were past players.  They instantly welcomed us knew comers into the pack and I left feeling pretty good about myself.

Back to now…

I have cleats, workout clothes, and gloves.  Now all I have to do is get into shape.  And get frequent driver miles to Kansas City.

That is so ….

I don’t know that anyone goes through life without being called a derogatory name.  Sometimes people grow up and get to work in an environment with other adults who no longer use those words.  Unfortunately, though, many adults still hear those words.

I recently started a new job and in the few weeks I have worked there, I have heard the words retarded and gay used in a negative way more times than I have in the last few years.  And they don’t even know it’s negative.  It is completely acceptable to them that gay is substituted for dumb.  One of them even knew that I have a wife (and thus should have known that I am gay).

There has been talk about banning words such as these, but I don’t know if that is the answer.  We should probably take the lesson of prohibition.  I think that if we hear people using these words, we should say something.  “Oh, that paperwork is gay? That’s funny, I didn’t think paper could be attracted to anything.”

So now the question is, when do you say something?  I haven’t been working there very long.  Do I want the reputation of being that sensitive person who you can’t say anything around?  I think maybe I do because it’s not okay to take a part of me and equate it to being stupid.  It doesn’t mean you can’t use slang.  Just don’t take a word that already has meaning and turn it into something negative, or more negative.  Don’t just start using a phrase because you hear someone else say it.  Think about the meaning of the word and how you’re using it.

What words/phrases do you hear and how do you handle it?  Do you say something?  Do you keep to yourself?  If you say something, how do the people react?

How does the end of DOMA affect you?

One week ago today, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that part of the federal Defense of Marriage Act, DOMA, is unconstitutional.  They also dismissed Proposition 8 from California.  In short, it was a good day for the LGBTQ community.  If you want to read the actual ruling on DOMA, you can do so here: http://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/12pdf/12-307_6j37.pdf

Lambda Legal also has some guides for people as to what the recent rulings mean.  You can read about them here: http://www.lambdalegal.org/publications/factsheets

The morning of the rulings, I eagerly waited for 9 am.  I was constantly on twitter and facebook seeing what people were saying.  The positive reactions made me emotional and I thought it created a great opportunity to see how other people were affected.  So I set out to ask people.  This is the video that came from my asking.

Lesbian Sex Guide For Straight Guys – Call to Straight Gals

The point of the Lesbian Sex Guide for Straight Guys is to benefit my straight lady friends.  So I want to hear from you.  What are your concerns and questions?  What does your man do that you absolutely love?  What do you want him to know that you would never even think about telling him?

Think ‘Friends with Benefits’ movie and let’s get brutally honest.

With all this abstinence only in our schools and sex being a taboo subject once we become adults, how is it that we expect our partners to automatically know what we want?  When the only education our men get is from older siblings, movies and porn, we can’t really expect too much from them.  So let’s help them out.  There’s no reason the straight gals should suffer. Or remain uneducated themselves, actually.

If you prefer to email me privately, you can do so at nmmccall@yahoo.com.

Lesbian Sex Guide for Straight Guys – The Warm Up

Foreplay has become such a dirty word.  Women hate it because it rarely happens and men hate it because it’s a chore.  So we will call it the warm up.

Warming up for sex is similar to other warm ups.  For the athletes, think about warming up before practice or a game, for singers, think about warming up your voice.  While warming up right before the game or performance is the most intense, you’ve really been warming up all day.  Every time you talk, you are warming up your voice.  When you walk around or use the stairs, you are warming up your muscles.  You wouldn’t lay still in bed all day and then expect to tear up the court.

It’s the same idea for warming up before sex.  The most intense time is right before, but you should be warming up all day.  Straight guys, this does not have to be an extended chore.  Quite the opposite really.

All it takes is whispering something nice as you pass by her in the bathroom, in the kitchen, on your way out the door.  A “good morning, beautiful” will go a long way.  Take a few seconds to just look at her, if she catches you looking, it’s even better.  Send her a text to let her know you’re thinking about her.  One of these is not enough.  This is a continuous process and should be taking place periodically throughout the day.

Now it’s important to mention here that you should not be pushing sex at this point, unless you have both agreed that this is your sex night, in which case you should definitely bring it up and may want to give suggestions of specific things you will do to her that you know she likes.

These interactions should not last more than a few seconds.  Think about them as being teasers (we will cover teasing in length later on).  The purpose is to keep her thinking about you, not to overwhelm her.  If you do this right, you won’t have to worry about taking out the trash to keep her happy.

After work, flirt while supper is being made or ordered, glance at each other during supper, do something together or with the family instead of turning on the TV.  When getting the kids ready for bed, comment on how good of a mother she is.

Then it’s time for the home stretch.  You’ve stayed conscious of your efforts all day and had a positive response (if you didn’t get a positive response, it’s because it has been too long since you tried anything like this, you didn’t do it right, or your wife’s a lesbian).  The kids are in bed and it’s just the two of you.

Now this is where it gets fun…